I’ve been out of the dating game a long time.
In fact, I met my soon to be husband in 2013 when I was 22 and Tinder was in its infancy, so I barely even had time to try online dating. But I’ve watched my friends turn Tinderella one by one, with varying degrees of success.
The thing I always noticed is that whatever they wrote, however sloppy drunk they were when the message was sent, it really didn’t matter.
And so my theory was born. It doesn’t really matter what your Tinder profile says, as long as you’ve got nice pictures.
In order to test this theory, because I’m a sexual anthropologist, we devised an experiment. I’d join Tinder, swipe right on everyone and then start messaging them. The only twist was that instead of ‘Hi, what are you up to?’ I’d be speaking in haikus.
If I’d had that message I’d have blocked, thrown my phone in a river and panicked.
But this guy didn’t seem worried. I started to feel somewhat guilty about using these innocent men for my experiment.
At this point the guilt had very much set in, so I found myself praising Louis’s (frankly insulting) poem. R is clearly for rebel and E is for emancipated.
Steve didn’t seem to realise I was writing haikus about his profile picture, and instead sent me Gifs over the course of the weekend.
(Which if I were single, would probably have got him to second base)
Finally, someone has my number! I’m not drunk, but I am conducting an anthropological experiment. (I didn’t tell him that, but I will.)
The good news is that talking to a girl who’s limited by an ancient poetic device, it makes it lots easier to mansplain human behaviour to her.
To my ongoing shock, they just kept replying.
It didn’t seem to matter what I said, or how weird my haikus were, blokes were still happy to chat to me.
This guy was so unperturbed that he tried to get serious about the craft of writing….
Most shockingly of all, I even managed to score myself a date while speaking in just haikus.
The good news is that if my marriage doesn’t work out, I now feel pretty confident about not dying alone.
This guy even persisted over the course of a couple of days.
Though of course there is always the exception that proves the rule. Mark clearly wasn’t ready to handle my sass.
The theory was proven. It doesn’t matter what you say to a horny man on Tinder, he literally won’t care. Do you look like a human female on the hunt? You can say whatever you want.
Next time: we see if we can score dates online while using quotes from famous historical fascists.*