Missionary gets a lot of flak.
It’s dismissed as boring, vanilla, the sex act preferred by couples who’ve been together for decades and have entirely given up the concept of passion.
But you know what? All that bashing needs to stop.
Missionary isn’t boring, it’s edgy.
It may not have the exciting views of doggy or the challenge of reversal cowgirl, but it’s got something else that’s a massive turn-on: A sense of danger.
That’s right, sex-havers. People who do missionary are wild, out-of-control risk-takers. Suck it.
According to a new study from the Journal of Impotence Research, missionary sex contains a decent risk of penis breakage.
In the ranking of dangerous sexual positions, it comes second from the top, beaten only by danger-filled doggy.
While doggy was found to cause 44% of all penile fractures (yes, that does mean breaking your penis), missionary didn’t trail too far behind, responsible for 25% of penis breaking cases.
Both missionary and doggy style were also found to cause more severe penile fractures than woman-on-top positions, with more associations with urethral lesions and bilateral fractures.
Researchers gathered their data by examining 90 heterosexual patients who’d broken their penis, then analysing exactly how it happened. Which sounds like a lovely, not at all embarrassing, experience for all participants.
The reason these positions are more likely to cause fractures is pretty simple – it’s all down to the risk of shoving a penis into something hard and having it snap.
Doggy style, which tends to be more, erm, vigorous, can lead to poorly aimed thrusts, with the penis-haver slamming their penis into the pelvic bone or towards the perineum. Or, a shift in position can cause him to miss his mate entirely and hit part of the bed.
Woman on top’s risky because in a state of arousal or excitement, the woman might suddenly lean forwards or backwards, or whack herself down on the penis with full force. The penis then gents bent out of shape and breaks. And yes, apparently it’s as painful as it sounds.
With missionary, penis breakage is more likely to be caused by slipping out and thrusting the penis into the bed or the floor.
But don’t panic or start crossing certain positions of your repertoire.
Penis breakage isn’t that common (recent reports suggest there were fewer than 20 incidents reported last year), and in the majority of times people have sex, it doesn’t happen – so really, doggy, missionary, and woman on top are all pretty safe.
If you do happen to be unlucky, though, the aftereffects of a broken penis can be pretty rubbish. Think difficulty getting an erection, pain, or struggles to orgasm.
Your best bet is to just keep an eye on your penis and not go too crazy with the thrusting. Be mindful of not pulling the penis entirely out of the vagina and shoving it back in (you’re only going to create air pockets and, subsequently, vagina farts), but instead doing shallower thrusts and grinding-based positions.
This has the handy bonus of ensuring a higher likelihood of clitoral stimulation, meaning a higher chance of orgasm.
Orgasms and unbroken-penises – that’s good all round.
Basically, be careful out there, have whatever sex position you fancy, and if you need the thrill of danger to get off, feel free to do doggy or missionary, you naughty risk-taker, you.