America is scary and confusing, but we can all agree on one thing: They sure do know how to make candy. And pizza. And fried food. Basically any substance overwhelmingly bad for you. But let’s just focus on candy today.
With Halloween fast approaching, everyone’s stocking up on their trick or treat stash (with extra in case there’s an influx of kids this year AKA enough left over for yourself).
But did you ever wonder how much the candy stash varies across the pond? It doesn’t matter if you never did, but you definitely are now, and we have the answers.
Let’s take a look at the candy that’ll be filling cauldrons in America in an unofficial ranking style based on my opinion because mine’s the only one that matters:
There may be four grams of protein in this, but you can bet on a very, very generous helping of sugar with that as well — 32 grams per bar. That’s your daily recommendation right there.
These can’t actually break your jaw, unless you throw a whole bunch of them at someone’s face I guess. But that comes with guaranteed jail time and you’re not about that.
3. Candy corn
Don’t question the make-up of Candy corn. Ever. They’re like crack. Just go ham on them and check into rehab after the holidays.
For those who’ve never tried a Reese’s peanut butter cup I say two things to you: 1) How? 2) Don’t ever try one — you’ll be checking into that rehab clinic if you’re not already in there for the candy corn.
Kinda like a budget Reese’s, but still worth a bite or seven.
Those two things you’ve always wanted together are now together.
7. Tootsie Roll
Believe the hype; it’s what’s on the inside that counts. There’s a glorious taffy-like substance that — if smokable — I’d smoke as well as eat.
8. Sour Patch Kids
Do you ever think it’s weird that we tiny human-shaped foods and never question the cannibalistic undertones? Me neither. These guys are basically sour Jelly Babies.
Now let’s take a gander at what those crazy Brits are stocking up on this year:
1. Chocolate Buttons
Chocolate Buttons: Not only a trick or treat go-to, but the annual stocking filler. There’s not a soul alive who doesn’t enjoy putting these things over their eyes to mimic chocolate peepers. Fun all year round.
Also, let’s just settle this argument once and for all: Cadbury’s chocolate taste so much better than Hershey’s.
It’s also appropriate — NAY, necessary — to buy this for that one friend who always bails last minute. You know the one.
3. Black Jack
These aren’t on the list out of love. Truth is they actually taste disgusting. But you look me in the eye and tell me these don’t remind you of the holidays with your parents. Can’t put a price on those memories, man.
4. Wine Gums
Only because at one stage in your childhood you definitely thought these contained real wine and pretended to be hammered on a bag.
5. Liquarice Allsorts
Sambuca in food form. It’s a love or hate thing. But every Brit loves to hate them.
6. Jelly Babies
Again with the tiny humans? Seriously, people, it’s just weird. Look, one’s even crying on the packet!
Despite this, their squidgy and fruity insides make them one of the best sweets in the world.
Did you know you can make these float by lying down, placing them on your lips and blowing slightly? You can also eat them. They taste fine.
8. Sherbet Fountain
Cocaine for kids.